Your face is a jimmy john
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
