my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
