Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Pooping to opera.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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