Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i believe in u and ur pee
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
