Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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