Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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