I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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