I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
