i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
