??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
