I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
