Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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