He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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