You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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