see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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