someone threw a dead crab at me
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
