you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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