the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
