So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
