I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
