I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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