For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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