my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
