how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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