I can tuck mytits in my pants
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
