so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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