I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
