im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
