I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
