Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
