AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
