Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Bring me that man meat
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
