saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
