Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You ruined the universe
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