I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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