Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
