I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
