I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
