I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
