Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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