I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
