I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
