I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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