Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
