I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
