it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
