It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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