I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
