What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
