My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
be right there i have to get my cape
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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